iPhone Musical Toy for Kids.
What is the best way to sell a pile of crappy products? Of course the answer is “rip off a successful product in some way-shape-or form and sell it cheap”. Obviously only the dumbest among us will buy something they don’t even want, just because it remotely resembles something they love.
So, I recently bought a toy phone that makes stupid noises that looks a lot like the iPhone I know and love.
An even better answer to my initial question would be to “rip off a successful product in some way-shape-or form and then do it again with minor modifications and sell the same shite product multiple times at a cheap price.” Of course anyone stupid enough to ‘buy multiple copies of some dreck that they never wanted anyway because it is marginally different than the last one’ clearly drank gasoline as a child.
To clarify, I actually bought 3 of them…
These phones are all essentially the same – They look like an iPhone to varying degrees and make 4 different sounds (all of them wretched). I suppose I could end the review here, “Good night folks! Don’t forget to tip your waiter!” but since I pissed away more money than I would like to admit, I had better make the best of it. Let’s start by looking at the iPhone 4 ‘version’ of this rot:
Mobile Moving Music
This little toy has one of the most fantastic things I ever read on a box. Hovering, like an Angel if you will, at the top of the package is the tag-line “The Mimicry is True”. This is great – They don’t even pretend this is anything other than a quick cash grab for idiots who are iPhone obsessed, they wear this badge proudly, knowing that this is WHY we want it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find the white one (I generally prefer the white phones). I hope the mimicry is true on the white one too, assuming there even IS a white version.
I do however have a problem with this statement – The mimicry is actually pretty untrue when compared to the real deal (or compared to the picture on the fucking box). The dock is replaced with a “Slide to Unlock” function which suggests that they went out of their way to create this image since an iPhone cannot actually create this scene naturally. The icons only show up once it is unlocked, unless they use a picture of an iPhone screen with icons as a background image for the lock screen. Why would anyone go out of their way to do this, if you’re going to steal the damn look of the iPhone, then make the Mimicry true!
What else does this box promise?
Various Music? Not in mine anyway, Maybe I need to get a ‘iPhony Plus” for that feature
Creative? No…
In fact the only thing true on the box is “Specifications Colors and Contents May Vary from illustration”.
Plenty of that included.
Alright, let’s open this turd up.
The Apple logo is cute, but what happened to the plastic? It’s as though it was made from chemically unstable plastics that were still congealing together when they packaged this rubbish up or maybe they trapped a small alien in there and it is trying to push its way out from the inside?
The smell and feel of the Plastic suggests it may be both.
I was curious about the home button and how it looks broken, but then I decided I really didn’t care.
iPhonc 5
We can only assume that due to the popularity of the previous pile of dung, when Apple released the new form factor iPhone 5, the Knock off market decided to repackage this thing as ‘iPhonc’ and increase the size to match. Again I could only find the Black version (I presume a white one exists somewhere).
The previous “Mimicry is true’ slogan was replaced by “Not a piece of rubbish” (again, more lies!).
The Good news is that it is the best gift for the children, whom of course as we all know, are the future.
Jesus Christ!
No, I am not swearing, I am literally calling his name for help and guidance – What in fucks name happened to this thing? How hard is it to make a plastic body in a rounded rectangle? The unstable, clearly un-earthly chemicals that they used to build this have actually become more unstable. Made in China or Chernobyl? I am having serious regrets about holding this pile of rot with my bare hands…The children of the future are surely crying at this point.
I can’t put my finger on it (and refuse to without gloves), but something seems off with that logo…
I believe I see the reason the previous model had an exposed home button – It was supposed to have a sticker on it. At least they fixed this for the iPhonc 5. For those that haven’t noticed yet – the entire front of this thing is a sticker.
To activate the ‘music’ (quotes intentional), press anywhere on the ‘screen’. Regardless of what ‘icon’ you press, it will play one of the five various ‘sound effects’. Boy this sure is ‘fun’ and ‘creative’.
Multi-Color Princess Mobile Phone
Lastly, we have the Multi Color Princess Mobile Phone.
Multi-colour apparently means ’50 shades of Pink’. The vulgarity writes itself …
I almost didn’t buy this one since the ‘Try Me’ button didn’t work. The batteries were blocked by a paper tab and it made the device appear broken, and what a tragedy that would have been…
The phone screen is adorned by 2 Barbie prostitutes (certified as ‘girl’). They are staring at us with those dead eyes, dreaming of the day when they would be ‘pretty enough’ and ‘clean enough’ to be featured in a Sears catalogue. Clearly designed for a girl as indicated by the butterflies and ‘Girl’, ”Love’ and ‘Sweet’ text splashed all over it, we can expect the girls to “Jump up Contest enter ceremoniously”. Girls do that, right? Does it hurt?
At least it is an official ‘iPhone’, as per the blatant claim right above the screen and the Apple logo on the back of it. Man, they have really changed since Steve left…
We have been avoiding the best part… well at least I have been avoiding it anyway
Let’s listen to the majestic sounds of the iPhonys:
Anyone find it odd that a dog would answer the phone?
The sound is identical on all 3 of the devices.. well at least they SHOULD be, however the iPhone 4 version doesn’t play properly, even with new batteries. Let’s listen to this one.
Did you hear the demon screaming his demands directly to our souls? No?
Try playing it backwards then.
“What’s that Phone? You want me to kill my family? … But… I love them…No.. No.. I am not questioning your wisdom or power my mighty phone lord. Thine will be done!”
I like to think this was done on purpose by a disgruntled QA tester who has to listen to that fucking string of music 8 hours a way for the last 4 years and finally snapped, and in a final act of rebellion he modified this phone so that it horrified the children…
… and then took his own life.
Verdict: They are all so poorly made it’s hard to recommend any of them, even as a kitsch gift for an iPhone fan. They are all identical, so if you need to buy one (and Lord help you if you do) then get the iPhonc 5 – at least it looks the most like an iPhone.
What do you think? Do you think any child would like this or would it simply wind up in the bottom of a toy box while they look for your real phone? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know!
Knock-Off Nerd 