WTF? Robo-Fuk iPhone Sex Toys?
I am so in love with my iPhone, it’s the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I hold at night. I feel it understands me, wants to spend time with me and just maybe it even loves me too. Our love is a passionate love; there is holding, rubbing, finger working, and even some force touching when the mood strikes us. The fire burns hot. Like a phone connected to a defective charger, our heat explodes when we come together and I’ve wanted for so long to take this love to the next level, but wasn’t sure how, until now…
Is it just me or do I talk about sex and iPhones an awful lot?
Ladies and gentlemen, for your reading pleasure, I bring you the Robo Fuk ‘iPhone sex machine’.
The iPhone sex machine is a motorized device that mimics the act of penetration. Plug it into any conventional electrical wall outlet and then basically, go fuck yourself. What makes this device so special is that it was specifically designed to be used with an iPhone so you can watch your favourite filth and get plowed by your phone at the same time…
Watching while sex? Ugh, nothing ruins good TV like sex.
Are you tired of the wrist cramps and messy cleanup that comes from having to masturbate manually? There’s got to be a better way! Introducing Robo-Fuk! With Robo Fuk, you no longer have to deal with the complications, confusion, stress and wrist pain of holding your phone in one hand while you ’buff your banana’ with the other. Just load up your video, lock the iPhone into the handy arm, plug in the device and let Robo Fuk do the rest for you! Think of all the things you can do while your hands are free; you could fold laundry, call your mother or even cook a 3-course meal all while your iPhone ‘gobs your knob’! Makes a great Christmas gift for that special busy pervert in your life. Available now!
This $200 marvel of creation can be used for men and women alike thanks to its interchangeable dildo and, as the description delicately puts it; ‘plush pink pussy’. I am not sure why I expected this to be written with a more sophisticated vocabulary but it’s my fault I suppose for still having some degree of hope in humanity. You can remotely control the speed and angle of the thrusting rubber so if your iPhone is a bit on the nasty side, crank it up to 10 and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Due to the compact size, you can use it in a variety of exotic locales, such as in your car while waiting for a red light to change or perhaps in a dirty needle-filled alleyway or even on a public bus, soon to be filled with the cries and screams of innocent bystanders. All you need is a portable battery pack and wherever and whenever the mood should strike you, slap the machine on a firm surface and let the 4 included bondage suction cups hold it in place as you defile yourself and your prisoner phone.
You want me to do what?
Technically the Robo-Fuk would also work with an Android phone as well as the iPhone, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I don’t expect too much tenderness from that little green monster – In, out and once he’s done, without any consideration for where I am, gives me some bullshit about having to head home since he ‘has to work real early tomorrow’. You are better off holding out for a device that would at least look you in the eyes and hold you once it’s over. Ugh, Android makes me feel so cheap…
Let’s get a little freaky tonight, I want the big, black iPhone 6+, none of this small ass, white 4s crap.
What? Are you still using your hands on yourself like a savage? Step into the future for hands-free bisexual phone sex. It’s all the rage with perverts hiding in white unmarked vans in the bad part of town. As the advert so eloquently puts it “[enjoy] hands-free fuking action!” And yes, I was offended to, imagine spelling as popular a word as ‘fucking’ wrong. For shame, kids could read this and pick up improper spelling habits!
There are no complicated or confusing parts to get in the way of your good time. Pick your genitalia of choice, grab the Vaseline, making sure to turn over the picture of your family that is on your nightstand, then yank down your pants and try not to let the shame and loneliness destroy you as you are taken away to iPleasure-land. I cannot tell if the manufacturer was being ironic, mean-spirited or simply naive, but they felt the need to include a second handle in case a partner wanted to manually use the toy on you. I salute their enthusiasm, but chances are, this is being used between 1 person and their iPhone only, no partners required.
“Hey Mom! Guess what, I finally landed a modeling gig!” … “Um, no, it’s not exactly as I expected, but it’s close enough!”
In what may be very disappointing to some, this toy is designed only for vaginal or penile stimulation and is not recommended for anal sex. Supposedly, the device is not strong enough to function in that way and doing so could break the device under the pressure. Who hasn’t been in this situation before? We all know how embarrassing that can be, am I right? … Surely it can’t be just me…
Doctor: “So Mr. Johnson, what happened here?”
Mr. Johnson: “It was crazy doc, you will never believe it. I was looking up how to cook a 3-bean casserole on my iPhone and then I spilled some of the ingredients on my clothes so I took them off in order to wash them before they stained. As luck would have it, I slipped on some of the grease that had fallen on the floor and fell backwards onto this thing.”
Doctor: “What is this thing?”
Mr. Johnson: “It’s um… It’s er, a European slow cooker… Anywho… as I fell, I yelled ‘fuck’ and of course Siri heard me so she loaded up a sex page which is why there is a movie of a bunch of naked German men in masks peeing on each other playing on my iPhone… in case you were wondering. What’s that Doc? Oh, yea, I suppose the cooker does kind of look like a motorized dildo covered in Vaseline. Did I mention it was European? So… can you help me out here or not?”
Looks like my weekend schedule is about to get filled up
For those that need to know, the dildo attachment is 6.5” long and 1.65” wide, while the vagina is about 4” wide and 9.5” deep, although it is unlikely that the person using this will need all 9” if you ask me. Interestingly enough, both the dildo and vaginal attachments are included with the device and so you can take your iPhone sex to new, uncharted extremes. I am not too sure how iPhone sex would feel, but I know that according to all the Apple YouTube video comments I have read, it is a popular topic of discussion…
“Fucking iPhone!”
“Fucked by Apple again.”
“More iSheep being fucked by an iPhone”
“Android has a bigger cock!”
The last one was a little weird, but the message is clear – the world is talking about sex and the iPhone! I am not going to judge anyone who is interested in this product; sex with an iPhone has been the dream of all of us since it was first unveiled in 2007. The smooth body, the curves, the ease of use and let’s face it, it is pretty easy to turn it on if you know what I mean. It’s no wonder a product like this exists, just make sure you play it safe kids – always use a case. You never know where that iPhone has been before…
Fuck me harder than the most recent iTunes update!
So here we are, my iPhone and I, looking lovingly into each other’s eyes / i-sight camera, wondering where we go next: “I’m not sure what’s next for us my beloved iPhone, but I do know that whatever it is and wherever it is, I want it to be with you… Oh, and don’t forget to bring an extra vagina, wherever it is that we are going, we’re going to need it for sure.”
Don’t forget to like and share this post with your friends and creepy people you meet that may be interested in this type of wretched thing! Your word of mouth helps a great deal, so please help spread the word and let the nerd be heard! Thank you!
Knock-Off Nerd 