Knock-Off Transformer Music Train.
A few months ago I was walking through my friendly neighborhood dollar store, which in all honesty is actually more of an expensive, out of town dump run by a very suspicious and unfriendly person. Regardless, while I was in the store I bumped into a shelf by mistake and a cute little toy transforming train fell from the Heavens above and cracked me in the head. After regaining my balance and vision I decided to buy the little toy. It was officially branded as a ‘Fun Toy’ and so I figured “why not?” I like fun and I like toys, this seems perfect. It didn’t hurt either that the box was damaged when it hit my head and the cashier made me pay for it anyway. For the longest time the little train sat on my desk and I would look over at him every now and then and feel bad that I hadn’t reviewed him yet. I’m not sure why, but somehow the train looked sad that he hadn’t had his time in the spotlight yet. Well let’s make things right with the universe and talk about Train Deformatio – the lights and music transforming kids train!
We as a people have been fascinated with trains ever since dedicated Chinese slave labour built our railway infrastructure. It wasn’t our proudest moment as a people, but thankfully we have evolved past this barbarianism and our love of trains was able to continue in to the modern day where now Chinese slave labour only builds toy trains… Ok, so maybe we have a bit more work to do as a civilized people. Nonetheless, toy trains are a part of our culture and inspire, and are inspired by, television, songs and literature. Some examples include my favourite story “the little engine that could”, the song “I’ve been working on the railroad” and the children’s program “Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends”. Who didn’t love that show? And did you know that at one point in the show George Carlin played Mr. Conductor? That’s right, the one and only, legendary George Carlin played a conductor in a kids show – How amazing is that?
Even he looks surprised.
My favourite episode was when Thomas, Percy and Carlin, as Mr. Conductor, were heading together towards the stationmasters office to deliver some important papers when Mr. Conductor spoke up; “Shit Percy! What the fuck are you doing you dumb cunt? You forgot to bring the cargo! Did that motherfucking cocksucker Thomas remember it? No? Ah man, the lady stationmaster with the small tits is going to piss all over us for this!” I remember finding this pretty shocking at the time since I would estimate 7 or so of those words couldn’t actually be used on TV. Wait… I think I’m remembering this wrong…
At any rate, say hello to Train Deformatio – He’s not a famous train like Thomas, the Orient Express or even the Soul Train, but his head looks like Optimus Prime, and that’s all I need to be happy.
I Choo-choo-choose you Optimus!
Train Deformatio is a transformable motorized train proudly released by everyone’s favourite toy company, Zhongtai and is part of the ‘King Transform Convulsing Enter Series’, as most of the great toys were. I’m not sure what a ‘convulsing toy’ looks like exactly, but after a few minutes of watching my daughter play with this thing as it spits out blaring music and ever intensifying strobe lights I do know what a ‘convulsing child’ looks like.
Like a John at a whore house, Train Deformatio sports ‘bump & go action’ and is suitable for children ages 3 and up. To be clear only the toy is suitable for children… Not the prostitutes. You need to wait at least until your 13 for that. When activated, the toy will twitch, contract and contort randomly in a horrifying homage to the Exorcist right before your child’s fear-filled eyes. The aforementioned ‘bump’ action basically means that after the little train bumps into a wall, it will spin off in another direction so it can do it all over again somewhere else in the room. Sounds charming, no? You may be asking “what the Hell does any of this have to do with Optimus Prime?” Which would be a very good question…
Then again, what the Hell does this have to do with Megatron?
The box warns us in advance that, and I quote, “If there is any presence of staplers. Remove only by parents before use by children.” Yes folks, it is written that way.
But I ask you, why shouldn’t a plastic train contain staples? It’s not like the 3rd rate glue they used to hold this heap together has a chance in Hell of working anyway, so why not give it extra staple support? Sure little Billy could lose an eye, but that’s the risk, and dare I say, part of the allure, of playing with Train Deformatio. You may think the staple remark is meant to refer to an instruction book, but alas; there is nothing in the box other than the toy itself. A little disappointing, I know. I can only imagine how brilliantly written those instructions would have been, but fortunately for us, the box has enough poorly written English on it to more than make up for it.
I would laugh at the word ‘Deformatio’ but best-case scenario, they meant ‘Deformation’ which honestly doesn’t sound any better.
Luckily we have the ‘New Edition’ that plays a beautiful melody, unlike the original edition that played cold-war era propaganda chanting (not confirmed.)
In America you transform toys.
In Soviet Russia, toys transform you!
Once you turn the train on he will repeatedly move about randomly, and in very short aggressive bursts as mentioned earlier, until you manually shut it off. It’s pretty twitchy, even by ‘Convulsing Enter Series’ standards. As he flops about like a fish out of water, he gradually starts to transform into his robot form. Unfortunately his upper body becomes just heavy enough when the batteries are in so that he cannot fully stand up. This has the comedic effect of our little train buddy twitch-falling forward until he tips over. I’m not sure if he has an inner–ear imbalance or what, but eventually after a few failed attempts at standing up straight, his upper and lower body parts begin to move out of sync with one another and it looks like he’s being torn asunder by the invisible hand of death. To be fair though, I believe my toy is defective since I had a heck of a time even getting the thing to work at all. Yea, my Train Deformatio is the rejected version of an already rejected knock-off toy – I’m just lucky like that I guess. Regardless of the cause, while this brutal act of savagery is going on, the head-end of the train belches out a cacophony of lights and, only in the strictest definition of the word, ‘Music’. Why not listen for yourself and then repeat it. Once finished, repeat it again. Oh no, we are not done. Repeat it again… The damn thing never stops unless you take it out back and give it the ‘Old Yeller’ treatment.
Mom: “There’s no hope for him now. He’s suffering. You know we’ve got to do it.”
Child: “Yes, Mama. But he was my train. I’ll do it.”
Just when you think he can’t get any more pathetic, Train Deformatio decides to sneak under the couch or table, while in train mode, and as he attempts to grow up into his robot mode he sadly realizes there is not enough room to fully transform. The sad cries of the music, the grinding of gears, the panic twitching of the light coming out from under the couch and the cracking of plastic as he gets himself stuck reminds me of when you are house breaking a baby kitten who got his head stuck in a small bag and needs you to save him. For the record though, it’s a Hell of a lot cuter, and quieter, when a kitten does it. This is the most pathetic Optimus Prime I have seen since the Michael Bay abomination.
Train Deformatio is available in a wide variety of colours from red with yellow on it to red with blue on it or if you are feeling adventurous, there is a blue version with a tint of red. What else can I say about it really? It is a simple kids toy but somehow manages to have a charm to it that I can’t really explain. As much as I hate it, I actually kind of like it. He has a 3-legged dog quality to him that just makes you love him even more than you would have otherwise.
Train Deformatio can provide minutes of entertainment for any child. Let your children’s imagination run wild as they pretend to kick out homeless people trying to hitch a free ride. Watch out kids, Mr. Hobo may have a knife and a venereal disease, approach with caution! Kids everywhere will love pretending scrape dead animal parts off the cowcatcher up front and no playtime is complete without having to stop the train as you pretend to move some abandoned couch off the tracks. With Train Deformatio, your child is the stationmaster, conductor and lord of the rails of imagination!
Have your tickets ready… or feel my wrath!
I know if I was lord of the rails the first thing I would do would be to institute a rule that people are not allowed to fall asleep on trains anymore. If Mussolini could make the trains run on time then at the very least I want this public sleeping nonsense outlawed and punishable by death. The lack of social awareness of the imbeciles who decide that the best time to sleep is during my already horrendous public train ride home is disgusting. As someone who gets in line early so I can procure a window seat and avoid any contact with the rest of the world, any joy I received from said window seat is burned alive as some lumbering oaf with the breath of a horses ass decides to sit down beside me and teeter back and forth like a junkie as he drifts away to dreamland. Yea, you better sleep it off fuck-face, you look like the type of guy who worked his brain extra hard all day and deserve the rest. What happened, did you try to solve the riddle where an airplane crashes on the border of 2 countries and couldn’t figure out where to bury the survivors? Yea that is a tough one, maybe you’ll get it after nappy time. I cannot put into words how much I hate people like this. The train and bus are not times to sleep – If you need to sleep so bad, I recommend you do it while driving your car at night on a deserted road. Fuck you. Nothing ruins my day more than when these mouth-breathing troglodytes bob and weave in and out of my peripheral vision as they struggle to keep that empty cavity they call a head stable and upright. It’s particularly charming when they decide to use my shoulders as a pillow. I’m sorry good sir; I don’t think we know each other well enough for this level of intimacy. To be honest, I’ve been cramping my leg the entire ride just so our knees don’t touch, so the idea of your head on my shoulders and pretending you are not drooling on me like a barnyard animal is a bit beyond our relationship at this juncture. When I play stationmaster, these freaks are shoved out of their seat into the dirty isle below the second they fall asleep and the passengers that did the shoving will be praised as heroes! I’m talking cash rewards and parade worthy levels of heroism.
Of course, your child may play differently than I do but that’s the beauty of Train Deformatio, there is something for everyone.
PSA: If your child does play like this with their trains I recommend you seek professional help, or at least sleep with 1 eye open and your hand on a gun.
So would I recommend Train Deformatio? That is a hard one – While I spent most of the time picking out its flaws, I am in all honesty charmed by it, which I am sure in no small part has to do with the fact his head resembles Optimus Prime. Most of my complaints about Train Deformatio are, in all honesty, nitpicking – things are spelled incorrectly on the box, or it acts silly in certain situations – nobody gets hurt and there is nothing to worry about. That being said, the build quality is poor and this means that if a child plays rough with it, which they most certainly will, they may be exposed to broken plastic, exposed wires and batteries. This cannot be overlooked and so with a heavy heart, I must say ‘no’, I do not recommend this toy for children unless there is proper supervision. If however you can find a more reasonably built toy with a similar concept, it is pretty fun to watch him go and would be worth it.
What do you think? Would a child like this thing? Any chance Train Deformatio can make it into the Transformer cannon? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know! Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and let the word of the nerd be heard!