Knock-Off School Supplies: Back to School 2015!

Knock-Off Apple Back-To-School Supplies.

It’s that time of year again – time to say goodbye to the luxury of summer vacation and once again, or perhaps for the 1^st time, head off to school. For most first time students, there is some nervousness and apprehension which is perfectly understandable. For you returning students, you know full well what you are in for. Well, what if I reminded you that going to school also meant that you get to go ‘back to school shopping’? Back-to-school shopping, for those that are not aware, is a tradition whereby parents, dragging disenfranchised children through a mall, purchase all the pens, papers, schoolbags and supplies that their children will need, and likely loose, for the school year. I have been doing a little bit of shopping myself lately and I have got your school supply checklist all ready to go. Of course, my school supply list may be a little different than yours, but I am sure you will agree that I have cherry-picked only the best for you.

iPen

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You just know there will be a similar Android pen released in a few months

Available in colours that match the inevitable bruising you will receive once bullies see you actually using this thing, the iPen is otherwise a writers dream. Part of the ‘Fashionable World’ gel ink pen series, the iPen glides along the page flawlessly without a smudge or any imbalances in the ink distribution. Unless you are left handed… Then it’s a fucking mess. Then again, why haven’t you learned to write in the correct ‘right-handed’ fashion yet? Shouldn’t your parents have beaten that into you by now? Assuming you are not some unholy left-handed abomination, you are going to love this pen. Guys, get ready for some action as well – girls love a man with a high-class pen such as the iPen. The Pen tells them you are a poet and the Apple logo tells them you have taste and money. Luckily you will have the pen in your hand to fight off the swarms of girls that will be coming your way. While the iPen blends your love of Apple, art and style, perhaps it is too subtle for your taste. If so, then make sure to equip yourself with the 12-piece set of Apple branded bens. These pens, also available in various colours, come with an Apple logo so painfully obvious it is visible from the international space station.

This is why aliens are not contacting us

Impress your history teacher with the retro rainbow-coloured Apple logo. Retro is history right? Let’s face it nobody gives a shit about history class anyway, so why not divert the classes attention towards your amazing pen? It is cool. You are cool. And now, maybe history class can be just a little bit cooler too.

iMemo The iMemo iPhone styled memo pad is available in several styles – There is a modern iOS7 themed iPhone 5 form factor or for you retro fans, you also have it available running iOS5 in an iPhone 4 form factor. Both versions are available in both white and black and if you really want to show your class just how far your head is up your own ass, the iPhone 5 form factor iMemo also comes in petulant gold.

Guess which one I bought…

The iMemo can be used for writing down everything from your homework assignments… … to personal notes and reminders or as a pseudo diary of your thoughts In a stroke of genius, the iMemo 4 model I have is labeled as having 32 GB and does in fact have more paper than the lesser models of the iMemo. I find this a wonderfully charming little detail.

In a pinch, the iMemo can be used to trick your friends into thinking your parents loved you enough to buy you an actual iPhone as the iMemo 4 and iMemo 5 are identical in shape to their real iPhone counterparts.

iPhone 4s vs. iMemo 4

So the next time that bitch Tiffany and her crew of cheerleader bubble heads make fun of you for not having as much money as their spoiled little asses have, you can whip out the iMemo and pretend to make a text to your scientist, philosopher super hot model lover that lives in another country. Watch them freak out when you say you are getting an incoming call and pull out ANOTHER iMemo to answer the call. 2 iPhones! Oh my God! Tiffany is totally like, gonna die when she sees that!

iEraser

It is a sad truth, but a truth nonetheless – pobody’s nerfect, and mistakes are bound to occur from time to time so make sure your parents grab plenty of erasers for your pencil case. Your parents know you so it won’t be hard to convince them that you will need an abundant supply of erasers.

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For the record – you don’t eat them, just use them to erase things.

There exists a vast array of erasers you can choose from nowadays, so take your time and pick the right one for you. There was a time in my life when all I had for an eraser was that stupid half pink, half blue sandpaper style eraser. The pink side didn’t erase anything and would simply smudge the area I erased into a light grey mess. If that didn’t suck enough, the blue side was designed for pen ink but all it ever did was rip apart my essays, which for some damn reason all my teachers demanded be done in pen. There was nothing more infuriating than nearing the end of a page, accidentally making a small spelling mistake and then watching in horror as the God-damned eraser would rip it the hell apart, forcing me to re-write the entire thing again, only this time with sloppier “I can’t fucking take it anymore” wrist cramped handwriting.

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I’ll see you in Hell Pink-N-Ink!

Remember, this was prior to computers being a part of our lives. We had to rely on analogue pens and paper… Barbaric tree paper. It was a step up from the chisel and rocks of my parents’ generation, but not by much. Eventually the Gods heard my cries of desperation and I obtained the stadetl… stadle…stadtler.. Fuck it, the ‘white eraser’ that worked perfectly. It changed my life forever. Finally I had an eraser that actually erased things. It was a novelty that I quickly grew accustomed to.

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The one with the Trojan condom guy from Mars on it.

Many years later, my life, or at least the eraser part of it anyway, has been changed again – introducing the iEraser. Available in white, black and pink, the iEraser is lightweight, thin and of course, based on the iconic design of the iPhone. I’ve had good luck with both the iPhone and white erasers so let’s find out how perfectly they combine together.

Obvious Simpsons reference is obvious.

Oh no! I accidentally made a mistake, what ever shall I do? Using my trusty iEraser, fixing up this blunder will be a snap.

Son of a…

   

iPhone Stationary Set

All these pens, erasers and memo pads are great, but where ever can you put them? Sure you could use a small flannel pencil case with 3 ring holes in it, but where is the style in that? The iPhone pencil case is a hard-shelled plastic case that is shaped like an iPhone and is part of a 7 in 1 stationary set themed around Cupertino’s little miracle phone. This stationary set includes not only the pencil case, but also a pencil sharpener, 2 pencils, an eraser, a notepad and ruler.

Be it that each iPhone gets bigger and bigger, my assumption is that this one is based on an iPhone 9.

As a child, I relied on the traditional yellow-orange wooden pencil for the majority of my writing. I hated mechanical pencils since the lead would break so often. Maybe it was how I held it, or maybe it was the fact that we would buy a bag of 20 for less than the cost of a pack of gum, but whatever it was – I preferred my old-school pencil. Not all pencils were made equally though, even amongst the yellow style, some would have leads that broke all the time or would write in such light grey that there was little point in writing anything at all. Through some divine miracle, the pencils in the iPhone stationary set were actually some of the better pencils I have ever used. The pencil lead is solid and dark and the sharpener is sharp enough to be reliable and in a pinch can be used to draw enough of your blood that you have a legitimate excuse to get out of gym class if you need it.

I have an iPhone pencil case. Do I LOOK like the type of kid that can climb a fucking rope to you?

  The case is wonderfully designed with all the great icons that kids love, including Clock, Stocks, iTuns and Game Ctenter. Let that be a lesson to you – stay in school, that way when you are slaving away in a factory for most of your adult life, you will at least be able to spell the app names properly.

Who doesn’t love iTuns? It’s tuns of fun!

In addition to the pencils, erasers and paper, we have the iRuler, which for some reason has a jagged edge to it. While I cannot wrap my head around why it needed such a thing, it is good to have a backup suicide device in case you loose your sharpener. It’s not like it makes that great a ruler anyway, rather than measure in some standard format such as centimeters or inches, it measures in some weird-o Apple proprietary format. Anyone have any idea how many Snow Leopards there are in a centimeter?

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And yes, you can get it in Black as well.

iPad Dry-Erase Whiteboard

I have been using this for a long time in my personal collection. I used it to outline a few Knock-Off Nerd reviews…   The iPad whiteboard is not only functional but it is elegantly designed with a full glass covering edge-to-edge. The home button, and system bar at the top of the screen are wonderfully re-created to give it that authentic iPad look. Apple purists may notice that the home button has a circle pattern on it where the original has a square, but this minor disregard for the source material is of no consequence and takes nothing away from the overall presentation. The iPad Whiteboard includes a marker/eraser combo that easily and intuitively clips onto the whiteboard for ease of use and portability. The iPad Whiteboard is essential for any student that uses scrap paper to work through math problems: It can also be used to pass ephemeral notes in class to your buddies. These notes can then be wiped before the teacher catches you and forces you to read it aloud to the class. However if you are more of the artistic type, the iPad Whiteboard can also be used simply for doodling whatever your imagination desires.

It’s like the Snapchat of note pads

iReportCovers (aka iDuotang) Another wonderful part of school are the school bullies. Perhaps you were a victim or perhaps you were the bully, I don’t really care to be honest. One thing I remember vividly about bullies however, is how they would always attack a kid who was handing in his or her homework in with a report cover. If you handed in a crumpled paper to the teacher, bullies left you alone, however the second someone handed in their homework in a little folder they became instant targets for bullies. What was it that caused it? I looked into this further, and after months of extensive research I have come to the following conclusion – “Bullies hate report covers”. Of course I have a degree in psychology from a university that has asked me not to disclose its name, so understanding human behavior comes easily to me. Breaking down why bullies hated report covers was more difficult. At first I though it had to do with the colours. Were the colours of the report covers too stimulating for their primitive brains? Did exposure to the colors drive them into violent seizures like they were watching a flashy episode of Pokémon or something? It turns out that is only part of the issue. In interview research with some kids who kept laughing and throwing spitballs at me during the process, they claim they were most disturbed by the boring nature of the report covers. They also claimed that I too was also boring, but that doesn’t matter. It would appear that in order to avoid the bullies, we will need report covers that inspire and bring us together rather than make you a target for those shitty kids I interviewed. I for one was glad to get away from them; one of them had green hair!

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This is what class looks like

Imagine how popular and proud you will be when you submit your homework to Mrs. Bitters, the geography teacher, in these luxurious, exciting and Apple branded folders with the words “I love iPhone” written on them (which gives your teacher a good idea of what type of child you are.) Each folder is tagged with the inspirational quote. “I try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.” Ok, so maybe the shift from I to YOU is less than stellar, and when you read the quote carefully it actually seems to suggest that when you try and expect success it eludes you so don’t try and don’t expect success, only then can you be successful… Look! It’s not an English class, it’s geography – sentence structure doesn’t matter here.

Kids will love them, bullies will be subdued by them and the teachers will be so inspired by the extra effort, that even if you are a C student, you can probably squeeze a B- or B grade out of it just for using the damn thing. Isn’t that what school is all about anyway – getting through it as fast and mediocre as possible? Not a bad deal for the 30$ price tag that a pack will cost you.

iCalculator Assuming you have the luxury of calculators being allowed in your math class, why not use the iCalculator?

 

I had more fun flipping this open with one hand and pretending it was a communicator from the original Star Trek than I should have.

It sports a beautiful and elegant design that proudly displays the high level of thought, love and passion that went into its development. From the clear screen to the responsive buttons featuring excellent travel and feedback, to the protective and stylish lid that covers the entire front face of the calculator, design was a priority here. Ultimately however, as it is in life – nothing is above criticism. Normally I wouldn’t even bring up such a small flaw, but for the sake of a well-balanced review, I must bring up the fact that the device is solar powered, and when the case is closed, it blocks the solar panel that charges it. Just a small issue really – you can’t turn it on since it never gets sunlight. Again it’s not that big a deal but you know someone is going to get all huffy about it.

At least it can do the essentials

  As with many other Apple products, the iCalculator automatically adds a 40% ‘tax’ to every calculation. Nothing really new here, but then again, why shouldn’t 6*9 equal 75.6? Math really is a matter of perspective and there is no reason my opinion is less valid that yours – that’s just how math works. However if you are some dinosaur that is afraid of differing opinions and was expecting 54 as the answer, then I recommend you buy a 2^nd calculator so that you can remove the 40% from the answer of the iCalculator. It couldn’t be easier – do the math on the iCalculator (do it quickly though, you never know how much power it has left) and then take the answer and remove 40% from it on the 2^nd calculator. Easy Peasy.  

iLunch, or ‘How to eat fried worms’ is not a fucking cookbook! When I was a child in the 1980s, which at this point seems like a lifetime ago, the best things in the world to me were the Transformers and Depeche Mode. Not much has changed there. “What was the worst?” You may ask. Well that one definitely has a clear ‘winner’ – The school lunch program. Sadly, not much has changed here either.  

© DailyMail

Ok, clearly you are overcharging my parents for this.

I distinctly remember there being a division in our elementary school lunchroom. The school lunch kids (aka “Hot lunch”, aka “I think I’m gonna try that anorexia thing I’ve been hearing so much about”) were on one side of the cafeteria while the kids whose parents loved them enough to pack a lunch (“Cold Lunch”) were on the other. “Cold Lunch” kids could go outside and play whenever they wanted, but the “hot lunch” kids were monitored and before we could leave we had to raise our hand and have the monitor inspect our plate first to ensure it was empty. A few of us, myself included hated the food so much that we nearly lost all of our lunch hour play time as the monitors would pace back and forth waiting for us to finish eating our slop. I was the worst. I refused to eat on a daily basis and countless times it came down to just me and a monitor, sitting across from one another as all the other kids were outside. We would sit and stare at each other, each one of us wanting to get the Hell out of there, but neither one would give up in the struggle. Who would blink first? I kept asking for more milk to wash the tat down, but to no avail. So there I was, sitting in defiance in an empty cafeteria with a runny plate of pig waste waiting until the bell rang for classes to return, knowing they had to let me go. I just had to outlast the hour. Sometimes, however I wanted to play, or god forbid, take a piss before class, and so I would hide the food in my pockets when the warden wasn’t looking (I know, I know, my mom thought this was gross too, but I was desperate!) This would enable me to pass the plate inspection and once sprung from the prison, I would dump the food from my pocket in the trash bin outside the cafeteria. One day a teacher caught me doing this, and while I love the teacher, I will forever remember what he did when he caught me. He threatened to make me go back to the cafeteria and eat another plate of food. I was horrified! He knew… that son-of-a-bitch KNEW the condition of the food! He knew it was terrible enough to be used as a threat! He, one of my favourite teachers, was in on it! Making us eat that abhorrent dreck was some kind of sicko punishment for crimes we were never formally charged with!

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I never felt safe in that lunchroom. Attica! Attica!

After years, and I am not kidding, of my mom finding old rotted mashed potatoes, soup, meat and veggies in my pockets on a daily basis, she finally caved in and allowed me to be part of the “cold lunch” crowd, packing my lunch in my fondly remembered He-Man lunch tin (which was eventually replaced by a Ghostbusters one.)

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I have the power… of sandwiches!

My God what a difference it was to be part of the ‘cold lunch’ crew; the colours were brighter and more vivid, the conversations were lively and no longer about how to write a suicide note with a ketchup packet. Even the air was easier to breathe on that side of the room, perhaps because it didn’t smell like child vomit as it did on the ‘hot lunch’ side. I’ll never really know, but was glad to experience it. While I eventually recovered from my traumatic experience, my heart remained with the rest of my former “hot lunch” chain gang and sometimes I would sneak back to their side of the room to feed them leftover food from the “cold lunchers”(the barbed wire was tough to get past, but I managed.) After a few weeks of sneaking in food supplies to my old posse, the same teacher, who again threatened to make me eat the food if I didn’t leave the area, caught me! Fuck that! I am outta here! It was with a heavy heart that I left the area, but at least my pockets were clean. I swear ever single word of this was true. No embellishments necessary… Ok maybe I am remembering the barbed wire part incorrectly, but that is the extent of the exaggeration. Truly however, it was my definition of Hell and if I can save any of the kids out there from this fate worse than death I will. Please, for the love of He-Man and all he stands for – Pack your kids a lunch! And I have the perfect lunch box for it…

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Don’t look too surprised…

iBackback

The last, but most assuredly, not least item in your back to school shopping basket should be the iBackback. The iBackback is available in 4 exciting colours, well 1 exciting colour and 3 in varying degrees of black, but I digress.

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When wild meaningless capitalism and the drab colours of communism collide!

Now you can walk around with a target on your back indicating to criminals that you are the child to rob, if one was inclined to do so. Sure, you could try to defend yourself by saying that you are a lowly Apple Store employee making minimum wage, but much like a missile launch countdown, once the button is pressed, the launch, or in this case the horrible beating and inevitable mugging, become unstoppable. Assuming you survive the experience, imagine how proud you will be when you arrive at school, open up the Apple branded iBackback and reveal all of your Apple pens, erasers, rulers, binders, notepads and lunch bag. You will be the envy of every child, and remember – if you are not being envied, you are the one filled with envy. I think there was a biblical commandment about that. I can’t remember if it was ‘pro’ or ‘con’ envy, but it definitely said ‘envy’ in it. You are going to love the iBackback and if you don’t, I guess now would be the best time to inform you that these products are all non refundable.

Back to school is an amazing time, parents get to avoid spending time with their children, children get to learn how to memorize useless facts without understanding the philosophical principles behind them in order to pass standardized testing. The excitement of learning that the A+ student and the C- student get the same diploma at the end of it all and of course the importance of towing the government-established line of what is valuable so you can remain trapped in your upcoming life of servitude to the machine. If that is not enough, the teasing and beatings will surely rip asunder any self-esteem and desire to live you have left. I can’t imagine why so many kids drop out… At least you’ll have a cute pencil case though.

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How do you feel? Excited about school? How about school supply shopping? Are you going to get any Apple knock-off school supplies? Do you plan on bringing a lunch or participating in the living nightmare that is ‘Hot Lunch’? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know! Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and let the word of the nerd be heard!