iPhone themed dog chew toy.
So what happens when you type in “iPhone” into an online shop and then sort by lowest to highest price? You find the iBone, mans best friend’s, best toy, and for your meagre investment you are rewarded with a dog toy shaped and painted like an iPhone. It looks like it is based on the iPhone 4 due to the screen resolution but the device is actually the same size, almost identically, to the iPhone 6 (although much thicker and more chewy.) And yes, before you ask, the iBone does bend if you sit on it, but if your dog Fido is playing with it wrong, then that really is on him. The construction is mediocre, the rubber itself is thin and will likely tear easily, the materials presumably toxic and it probably won’t take long for your pup to destroy it. On the plus side, the squeak is loud and is satisfying to play with, even if prolonged exposure will inevitably lead to tinnitus.
The resemblance is uncanny!
The iBone comes pre-loaded with the standard phone, messaging, email and music app. Fido can text his buddies, read his spammy email (Eager females from the pound are wanting to talk to you! Click here!) And of course, he can listen to his music that is presumably a playlist full of Snoop Dog tunes. The iBone does however lack fan favourite apps such as newsstand, stocks and the compass app. Disappointing I know. What happens if the dog is lost? Clearly we will have to say goodbye to our furry little friend as he wanders aimlessly searching for his home and wondering why their master cheaped-out and didn’t get the version with the compass. Maybe tomorrow, he’ll want to settle down, until tomorrow, He will just keep moving on. Ever see the Littlest Hobo? Never mind… There are a few non-stock icons on the iBone as well; one of them is a bone, which I assume is a foodie app for dogs. Fido can learn how long he should bury a bone for before he digs it up in order to maximize the experience and learn how eating certain spices will make his bum taste better when he licks it in a few hours. There is also a paw app that is totally the dog’s version of Tinder. Swipe right on all the local bitches that are down for getting funky doggie style. Oh Fido, you be such a playa yo!
The official paw of approval
So who would want such a thing anyway? I would imagine it would be great for one of those people that like to play dress-up with their poor, dead-on-the-inside, dog for a fashion show. Trim little fluffy’s nails, wash her and groom her like she was a toy doll as she, unbeknownst to you, pleads for a quick and painless death. But we are not done – she will need accessories! She is going to need the prettiest bow, the most glamorous purse and spiffy hat if she is going to win the ever-coveted blue ribbon. Maybe Fluffy would like a phone accessory, and God knows that an Android phone toy just won’t do – only the best for Fluffy! We all remember the events of three years ago when that guy from Toronto brought his dog into the showroom with a stuffed Blackberry… The mocking, the tears, the violence and the eventual rabies shots that ensued is still to this day referred to as ‘the death-berry incident’ in dog show circles. Fluffy is going to need the absolute best; She will need an iPhone, a Gucci bag, Prada shoes and the best fucking antidepressants in town. My advice to you though is that if you care that much for your dog, maybe you should sort your searches by rating instead of price. There is just no reasoning with these people. I hope Fluffy looses.
Eat your heart out van Gogh.
I must confess, There is another type of person who would want an iBone – Me. I actually bought a few of these toys (just in case some of them decomposed into nothingness in the delivery truck.) I plan on using the iBone to teach my dipshit neighbour a lesson. Every time I go outside, this guy, regardless of what I am doing or how busy I look, stops me and traps me in a banal conversation about one of two things: the weather or the iPhone. Sometimes he will get creative and combine them: “Boy, it sure is hot today. Let me check my phone, I have a great weather app. Ok… let me see… yup! According to my app, it’s hot outside.” He prattles on endlessly about the iPhone even though I tell him point plank that I don’t care. Anyone that knows me, will be surprised given how much I love to talk about the iPhone as well but this moron is obsessed to the point that I fear he is moulding iPhones out of mashed potatoes during his lunchtime. He is not right in the head; I can’t even leave the house anymore because of this guy. The constant badgering with his inane “Hey! How’s it going?” or “What’s up buddy can I help you with your groceries?” Jesus, dude just fuck off and leave me alone already! Seriously, have you ever heard anything more infuriating in the whole of your born days? Have you ever met someone who has a delusional affection for his or her iPhone? Someone so perpetually lonely and pathetic that their relationship with the phone is borderline sexual; intense and as pure as the driven snow. Well I plan on signing my name with urine in his snow. I am doing to destroy that phone right in front of his face, record the video of the whole thing and once I am done I plan on skewering his eyes in a permanently open position and making him watch the video on loop until he begs for a Windows Phone. Poor bastard, but he brought this on himself! How dare he ask me my opinion of the latest iOS 9 Beta? Fuck this guy!
I snuck into his house once to get back my garden hose I loaned him 2 years ago and saw this on his wall…
We have recently adopted a little puppy named Rubble and I have been training him secretly at night to attack the iBone on command. Whenever I shout the kill phrase ”Think Different!” Rubble will launch into his scratch attack, scarring the beautiful aluminum body, and when I shout “One More Thing!” Rubble punctures the phone’s casing, sinking his teeth deeper and deeper until the stress of his power demands that the phone submit! His training is coming along and we are already on our 7th iBone, each time, he gets more and more powerful and remorseless. I have also noticed that when we don’t feed him for a while, his attacks get even more vicious! I wonder what would happen if in addition to taunting him with the phone and borderline starving him if we starting refusing to let him go to the bathroom… It may be worth looking in to. Of course this is all training for the day when he lunges at my neighbours beautiful new iPhone, knocking it from his hands, shattering the glass on the rocky ground all as an appetizer for the destruction he will unleash once it is in his mouth. You may be asking yourself, “Holy shit, did you forget to take your medication or something?” or perhaps are wondering why I don’t train him to attack the neighbour directly, maybe have the dog attack his genitals when I blow a whistle or something. I mean, for an article entitled ‘iBone’ there is a real lack of conversation about genitalia, and I hear you, but attacking him directly causes only a temporary flesh wound. No! I want to destroy him, take away everything he loves and watch as he goes day by day with the bitterness and pain of having lost his precious iPhone. It is his most treasured possession, it is his identity and that is what Rubble and I will take from him. He will have less than nothing. He himself will become nothingness!
Terror on the Double!
Sure, some of you may be tempted to be call the police right about now, but we are talking about the type of neighbour that just last week locked himself out of the house for 30 minutes before noticing he had a key in his pocket. What happened in the pre-natal stage of his life that would result in someone this useless? Is he missing a chromosome? Was his family lineage cursed after his great, great, grandparents were driving 40mph in a 25mph zone and incurred the wrath of a road-raged warlock? If that is not enough, just two days ago he politely asked me to keep Rubble inside the house because he didn’t like him running on his lawn. Sure Rubble had the severed head of my neighbour’s cat in his blood stained mouth at the time, but honestly, what a prick. So Rubble is now inside, training every day with the iBone, chasing it when I throw it, bighting it when I command him to, burying the evidence, digging it up like a re-animated corpse and attacking it again. He is nearly ready and the day of reckoning will soon be upon us! How hot is it now you son-of-a-bitch?!
Ah! Found my pills, I was looking for them…
Coloured in Mario Paint presumably
So what if dogs aren’t your thing? What else could you do with the iBone? Well, why not give the toy to a child? It makes a great Christmas present when you are stuck buying a gift for some kid you don’t really care for all that much. It’s like pretending to reach for the ‘door open’ button when you’re in an elevator and some rube is trying to get in as the door closes. It’s the illusion of thought that counts. “But Nerd?” I hear you ask, “Why would a kid want a dog toy?” That is a good question, however this is not a Q&A type of review. Besides, kids are basically animals anyway – They make noises all night, destroy the furniture and are constantly running around naked. They just piss all-over themselves when left to their own devices, you need to change their water dish every day and they scream if you leave them in a cage for too long. The list of reasons goes on. But they are just terrible. I swear I am going to sue that damned condom company.
At any rate, babies love the iBone – It helps them with their teething and makes fun noises that foster their natural desire to experiment and grow. Remember, babies are inferior compared to our mighty adult brains, so chances are they will find this toy engaging and entertaining and will never know that you only gave it to them because the toxic paint on the toy makes them sleepy faster than usual. Think of all the things you can do with your free time now that junior is down for his or her 19hr coma nap – You could learn a new language, read the great American novel, or even write snarky reviews for a website that nobody cares about. The options are endless! Be careful though, they are angry and mean as fuck when they finally wake up.
They get extremely aggressive around teenagers, reptiles and those who demonstrate martial arts abilities.
So assuming you don’t want to be in a fashion show with a medicated and confused dog, or want to do prison time for a psychotic break on a neighbour or want a throw away gift for a throwaway child (you sound like a very dull person by the way), then what use can you make of the iBone?
Do you have a cat?
I hate you human. I just hate you so much.
Verdict: 2 Paws up!
What do you think? Assuming it is not actually toxic, would you buy one for your pet? Do you think my neighbour deserves this fate? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know! Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and let the word of the nerd be heard!