Apple Watch Erotica novel: Invaded by the iWatch

‘Invaded by the iWatch’ Erotic fiction – Apple Watch Sex!

During some of my random browsing in the deep caverns of Amazon, I came across an oddity that struck my eye – A short story written by fellow Canadian Leonard Delaney entitled “Invaded by the iWatch”. My immediate reaction was to yell “It’s not an iWatch, it’s an Apple Watch!”, but once that unimportant geek-spasm was over with, I read the title out loud a few times, “Invaded by the Apple Watch”. I wonder what this means. Perhaps he is writing about how we will soon be invaded by swarms of Apple watches from space, moving towards us in rows like in Space Invaders. Or maybe he is angry at Apple positioning a product on new territory, invading it if you will. At any rate, I love the Apple Watch and am interested in anything to do with it, so I bought it immediately. “Invaded by the iWatch” is part of the digital desires series, which also includes ‘Taken by the Tetris Blocks’ and ‘Conquered by Clippy’. Sounds promising, silly and geeky. I love Tetris too! I was quite taken by the game myself back in the day. This is gonna be great!

So let’s take a look at the book cover and then judge the content within based on it.

Um… ok.

Cute girl, but what does she have to do with… wait a second, “An erotic short story?” What the hell did I just pay for exactly? What about the other stories in the series?

  

Apparently there is a theme here. The series concerns a young lady, and I am not making this up, who has sex with various geeky objects. My gut reaction was to presume that this series is based around some girl who is indulging herself with sex toys which probably have nothing to do with the Apple watch, Clippy or Tetris outside of a slight passing reference, and I just wasted my money on a clever title. However, the author has instead decided to bring these objects to life with some manner of … let’s generously call it creativity, and then have these objects proceed to seduce and then invade/take/conquer a young lady by the name of Christie Aackerlund.

Yup, the story is about some chick that has sex with a sentient iWatch.

Schwing! 

I should warn you, there will be some spoilers here so if for some reason you want to read this story without any prior knowledge, I suggest you do it now, or forever hold your peace.

Our story begins with Christie, the soon-to-be ‘invadee’ who is hanging around at her apartment flipping through the Tinder app on her iPhone. For some reason, instead of seeing a melange of lonely, perverted and/or psychotic available men, she sees a sentient Ikea Chair and Cortana in her feed. And why wouldn’t she? Frustrated with the results, she leaves her apartment and notices an iWatch on her doorstep. She presumes it was given to her by Apple, since she is a renowned technology writer, and so she opens the box to reveal a $10K edition that had her name on the screen. Assuming this is normal, she then tells the watch that she was bored and asked it to entertain her (again, this is a universe where she had sex with a Tetris block, so there are a few bits of reality we can immediately push to the side.) I can’t believe I need to qualify this but she did not mean ‘entertain me’ in a sexual way… not yet anyway.

The iWatch took her on a tour of her town and started to show itself off to strangers. Christie tells the watch to stop showing off and it is here that the story shows a glimmer of intelligence, or at least a glimmer of a theme.

The watch replies “Sorry, Christie. Most users who buy the Edition edition [sic] of the iWatch enjoy the attention. I’ll go into silent mode.”

Is the author actually taking a jab at rich show-off culture? Is he making fun of the watch? At any rate, there seems to be a deeper message here, but hold on – this theme repeats itself in more and more obvious ways until all ‘artistic’ discussion is beaten and left for dead on the side of the page.

Christie is then bombarded by billboards, drones and incessant advertising along her route. The story’s always connected, rapid fire, consumer culture world is littered with advertisements that get more and more invasive as the story progresses. At one point Christie sees a billboard which reads “IN LEGAL TROUBLE? WITH A BROWSER HISTORY LIKE YOURS, YOU WILL BE SOON. CALL …” which was then occluded by another sign on a bus that read “THIS MAN HAS THE SAME NETFLIX HABITS AS YOU. JUST SAY “YES” AND WE’LL SET YOU UP ON A ROMANTIC NIGHT AT THE MOVIES.” I actually legitimately liked the story up to this point, and the critique on advertising was akin to the similar critique seen in the original Robocop film. For a story that ends with her having sex with a watch, the writing here is both relevant and poignant, the only problem is that the story is still far from erotic, and it is not clear if the iWatch is part of the problem or part of the solution.

Christie eventually feels overwhelmed and asks the watch to get her off the street. The watch vibrates, guiding her to a steel door in an underground tunnel (“paging Dr. Freud… Dr. Freud, you are wanted on line 2 please.”) It turns out that this is a door to the ‘Apple Core’ and it is here that the watch reveals itself to her, in perhaps the dumbest line ever written in a fan fiction:

The iWatch cleared its throat. “Well, I have a confession to make. I’m no ordinary iWatch.” […] “My brain and soul were uploaded to a computer before I died. I can never be human again, but I saw your impressive online blog posts about your experiences with nonliving objects, so I knew you would accept me as a watch. It’s me: the ghost of Steve Job.”

Seriously, that is what was written. And yes, it is “Steve Job” not “Steve Jobs”.

Apparently the only explanation that this particular sub-plot needs is “magic happened, and I’m a watch now”, since they immediately move on to Christie and the watch looking at couples in the park through a pair of binoculars. The irony of them invading privacy of others is not really expanded upon more than Christie eventually exclaiming that “you can’t just spy on people like that!” It seems like the author has gone to great lengths to bring up the issue of privacy, and here the story has a chance to explore the issue and even offer an alternative perspective on privacy and fails to capitalize on it. In fact, this is a turning point of the story on a whole, where it starts to become the erotic (according to the author) story it advertised itself as. We are now half way through the story and much like a 30 year marriage – it has been completely devoid of passion, sex, or even the flirtation towards sex. But now, out of nowhere Christie desperately reveals her heart to the watch…

“Oh billionaire ghost watch, you know what’s going on. You have the algorithms to detect how lonely I am…”

To which the watch replies,

“I can invade more than your privacy, Christie.”

Shakespeare must be rolling with regret in his grave knowing he missed the chance to write this line himself.

What follows is a surprisingly poorly written sex ‘scene’, which is sadly supposed to be the main draw of this thing. In fact it is surprisingly juvenile. I offer that the words “titties”, “bare boobies” and “globby woman-pudding”, are perhaps not the hottest descriptions you can use. Of course you can also go in the other direction as well and use words that nobody understands and require a footnote in order to make any sense – “the watch touched her vaginal opening at the caudal end of the vulva [1]”. Honestly, the key to a great sex story is simple – avoid juvenile descriptions and use words that don’t require a freeking dictionary or sound like a medical procedure.

 

“The iWatch dove deeper. Her own slender fingers passed her labium minora, entering her sopping fibromuscular tube up to the knuckles”

Beautiful moments such as this and “She face-fucked herself with her own wrist” clearly show that the author has no clue how to write a sex scene , which is sad, because much of the non-sexual writing up until now was actually pretty good. It was interesting enough to have kept me reading, but now I am reading phrases such as “Oh yeah!” she cried. “Give me a Stevejob.” As well as “Deeper,” she said. “Invade me. Fuck the privacy right out of me.” All subtlety is lost here and it fails as both satire and as erotica. Hell, it even fails as comedy as well. I expect much more from my sentient iWatch and Tetris sex fantasies. Put some work into it. Granted it is a bizarre sex scene to write seriously, but it is still quite lacking. As if the sex description wasn’t boring enough already, He actually takes time to break the action (and the 4^th wall) in order to tell us what part of his insipid story he found funny: “She hoped all of the Apple Core employees could hear her— hear the “fruits” (lol) of their research and design.” I did not add that LOL in there, the author did. On top of this, when he does get back on track for the climactic scene of her orgasm (no pun intended… LOL) it ends with, and I quote “She came, like, three times.” Wow, that was like, hot

In what the author must have been told was funny by family members who didn’t want to get into any long drawn out conversations with him, he then makes a crack at both the selfishness of the stereotypical male as well as the usefulness of technology itself. While sexing, the watch gets an incoming message and ‘pulls out’ to answer it while Christie’s body starts making a rather hideous and erection-killing “schhhlip, schhhlip, schploo, psh-glosh!” sound as the watch exits. Christie then quips,

“Typical, […] another device that promises to be more convenient, but just ends up as a bigger distraction.”

Funny. You know what is more distracting? The Jell-O sounds that your vagina makes when a watch is fucking it. Who finds this hot? And I still can’t tell if the author is pro or anti the Apple Watch. At any rate, it sounds like it needs to be cleaned before anyone wears it again. Of course to make this scene even more awkward, the message that the watch was responding to was from Siri, who has been watching (LOL) and is down for a threesome with Christie and Steve the Watch. What follows is more clumsy and awkward sex writing. You think it would be hard to ruin a threesome, but apart from maybe a line or two of action, the story tends to focus on explaining how Siri can be in a physical form and how she can research sexual positions for them to try. This results in perhaps the most boring threesome ever. How do you fuck this up?

Once the affair was over, Christie reflected on her experience (as did I…). “I learned something today,” said Christie (in her best impersonation of Kyle from South Park) “To find true happiness, you have to let people in.” Huh? What the Hell is this? Is this really the conclusion the author has reached on the topic of privacy invasion? Why set up a theme or discussion point such as privacy and have it end on “I got laid, it’s all good.” It is actually dismissive of everything he built towards earlier and is as much a cop-out as ending with a protagonist awaking from a dream to end the story. Somehow he had the presence of mind to avoid the dream sequence ending, so how does he end the story then?

“An apocalyptically large tentacle emerged from the ocean. The tentacle’s tip wrapped around Christie’s iWatch then pulled, […] and she found herself plucked off the boardwalk, flying high into the air, then back down towards the ocean. WILL CHRISTIE AACKERLUND RETURN?”

Of course. It’s so obvious now.

So while we are on the topic, I have a confession to make. I actually wrote an erotic story as well. Want to read it? Here we go:

“Once I was drinking a can of Dr. Pepper in the rain and it was hit by lightning. It then came to life and started touching my pee-pee. “Wow” I said, “too much sugar is bad for kids. This is an issue I care about.” The can then humped me and put things in my bum. It felt like a backwards poop. “I’ve got your sugar right here” he said. I then found myself rubbing his titties with my wiener. Then I put my pecker inside it and I came, like 6 times, in his can (LOL). After that was over, I called my uncle, because family is important. But then I was abducted by an alien. Will I ever return? I have naughty little carton of chocolate milk that has been giving me dirty looks all week and is just asking for it. To be continued…”

THAT’S how you write erotica.

In all honesty, the author does write quite well in the non-sexual parts of the story and created a very clear and relatable world in only a few short pages. I do not want to belittle the author too much here, because there is some actual talent, especially knowing that he is willingly dealing with such an original and difficult to write topic. He clearly has an imagination, some interesting humour and understands how to set up a theme but unfortunately falls short when it comes to elaborating on and concluding these themes. I also recommend he change genres – He does not have any idea how to write sex. Maybe he will one day when he has it with another willing human, but until then, you have a better chance of getting off with the swimsuit section of the Sears catalogue than with this thing.

The author claims that this work is satire, not of our culture, but of erotica writing in general. However it is poor satire, poor comedy and if you are expecting to take a long, private, candle-lit bubble bath with this story – Prepare to be disappointed.

Verdict: I came, like, zero times. LOL

What do you think? Does the ‘Invaded by the iWatch’ book work for you as satire or comedy? Is there anything even slightly erotic about it? Should I review his other work? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know! Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and let the word of the nerd be heard!