Sexy Board Games: Wildly Sexy Dares!

Bored with sex? Try ‘Wildly Sexy Dares!’ the Board Game.

“Dear Penthouse,

I know this story is going to sound made up, but I swear it is all true! My husband, as cheap as he is, went to our local thrift store and brought home “Wildly sexy dares”. We opened it up together, nervously giggling and started playing immediately. And let me tell you – it got a little crazy.”

‘Wildly sexy desires’ is a card based game for 2 players (adults only) and released in 1999 by ‘innocent fun’. The game is designed to have sexy, flirty fun with your partner by acting out Dares and Double-Dares on random cards you have drawn. The dares are mild, hot or spicy and there are cards specifically for ‘him’ and another set with different dares for ‘her’. Apparently homosexual couples have better things to do than play this shitty game. The object of the game is to get 100 points. I would have assumed the goal was sex, but then again, I think like a man.

Many of these dares are elaborate and take time to prepare, so it is unclear how you ‘pause’ the game while you go rent a car you can’t afford, print out life- size posters, invent a new sex toy and plot a kidnapping. Yea… this happens. What ever happened to bringing her flowers and kissing her neck?

I can see how a game such as this could get the ball rolling for couples that are in a bit of a slump, and want a ‘gimmick’ to help kick-start the action. However some of these cards are just obscene, and not hot obscene, like “pick up a hot chick at a bar who is down for a threesome” but more obscene like “this offends my erection.”

For starters, the “Bare Facts” card suggests that ‘he’ is to impress his lover by researching 5 truths or facts about sex. It’s not clear what facts he is supposed to find but I assume it broaches topics such as STDs and debates concerning the morality of the ‘morning after pill’. Let’s turn up the heat and research the pros and cons of making condoms freely available in public high schools. Perhaps it is designed to be more biological – Ever wonder how mosquitos have intercourse? Maybe anthropological in tone – “what the hell are the Germans doing online and how do they find girls willing to do that”? Whatever the topic, one thing is absolutely clear – nothing gets a girl hotter than a research paper. The caged heat that reading a dry statistic-based piece of homework from start to finish releases. Make her moan when she sees how you used 2.5 spacing instead of simple double spacing in hopes nobody would notice. Watch her melt as she sees how you cited your sources in the approved APA format. For brownie points that are sure to unleash her inner sex kitten, place your research paper in a brightly coloured plastic dou-tang with a clever title.

I tried getting girls in high school by doing homework and all I got was a sore wrist… from writing.

I think we can all agree that the most exciting sex is one that indulges and excites all our senses, and that includes sounds. Everyone appreciates the mood setting powers of Barry White, but why should he get all the credit? Why not do it yourself?

“Call of the Wild” instructs ‘her’ to practice her sex sounds – in particular moaning and squealing, presumably like a pig caught in a fence.

Sitting alone in a quiet apartment practicing moaning like a barnyard animal is more of a symptom of a mental disorder than it is anything sexy. It must be hell being her neighbor. Did you ever have a neighbor that was trying to learn a musical instrument? Now imagine that neighbor was screaming like a terrified monkey trying to escape a medical experiment or a goat fighting an elephant to the death or perhaps it sounds like someone clubbing a baby seal to death. “Oooooo …. Ourf, Ourf!”.

“Holy shit! Someone call animal rescue!”

Should she practice her dirty talk while she is at it? “I want you to sex me“, “I like the sex with the penis”, “Hey baby, I feel even more dirty than when I am changing the cat litter.” or my personal favourite: “Did you know that in French a seal is called a fuck? Ourf, Ourf!”

You know what gets guys hot? Fake orgasms from their partner that makes them think they are trapped on Noah’s ark.

Chicks totally put out for jewelry. Am I right guys?

“Dirty Work”. Do you want to hear my deepest sex fantasy? I want to get dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant and have my date stand up suddenly and in a fit, throw water on my junk. Baby that gets me… wet. For extra passion, I want her to start screaming and making fun of my receding hairline and how I can’t hold a real job because my mom babied me for so long. I want her to start screaming about how her parents never liked me and how hot her ex boyfriend was. Hopefully everyone in the restaurant stops what they are doing and turns towards us as she starts laughing about my penis size. Extra points if the ambient music somehow stops during the commotion as well.

This one could be fun – I sit back and watch TV while my girl loads up some naughty pics of the stars from the show on her iPhone. I talked to my wife about this one and she was playful enough to try it out – Never a dull moment with her. A few weeks ago she decided to try it out without warning me. I was watching TV all casual while the kids were asleep and she sat down next to me, cuddled up and then began playing with her phone, which she often does. I wasn’t thinking about the game – in fact I forgot about the whole thing until she pulled me closer, winked and brought her phone up to my face. Unfortunately it was while I was watching the ‘Golden Girls” and I spent the rest of the night cleaning vomit out of my couch cushions. There are some things you cannot un-see.

 

So the goal of the “Sugar Shock” card is to stuff your bra with Cotton candy and make him wait until later while you go about your day dealing with the discomfort of melting candy on your chest. Way to go game! Thanks a lot – now we have ants! This card can be used in conjunction with “Sticky Situation” for a real good time. Melt marshmallows on her body. Should be an interesting trip to the ER with ants and 3^rd degree burns all over her body. If you want to go for the trifecta, pick up the “Infinite Beauty” card. After fumigating the house for the ant infestation, and grafting new skin on her body, why not use her new kinky pet name and suggest a star be named after it. Think of how much cooler space would be if there were a star called “Sugar Tits” instead of some boring letter and number combination name. I’m going to tweet this suggestion to Neil deGrasse Tyson. This is goanna be big folks!

I looked at this card a few times and I just don’t get what this is expected to do for the girl. Sure, it is easy to see what the guy gets out of this – He gets to test drive a fancy car his wife won’t let him have. I may just re-write this card so I can get that Apple Watch my wife refuses to allow me to buy.

The goal here is to take a fancy car for a spin and take pictures of your girl on the hood (do yourself a favour and wait for it to cool down first, the doctor may get suspicious if she comes in with more burns). Do you think the dealership will notice the cotton candy and ass prints all over the car?

Dealer: “What the hell happened to the hood of the car?”

Husband: “Um, it rained”

Dealer: “It rained ass and candy?”

Husband: “um… El Niño?”

Get her motor started by driving 40 mph above the limit in a school zone as she begs you to slow down. Keep the heat going as she listens to you wine about the policeman that pulled you over and gave you a ticket. Guys, if you really want her to get excited, bring up how your taxes pay for “that friggin’ pig”. Get her in 3^rd gear by screaming about “people who own a prius can’t drive” and shift her libido into overdrive as she hides her face in shame while you yell something racist out the window to the Asian guy who cut you off at the last light. Something about Hiroshima or Godzilla would probably do it.

The person who draws this challenge card is told to rummage around in the junk lying around the house like a starving raccoon and use what they find to build the ultimate sex toy. Sure, anyone can stick a condom on a cucumber and call it a sex toy, but no, that is not good enough for our heroes. So let’s see what we can use… Hmm, ok, I see an old rusted blender, a hairball of elastic rubber bands and thumb tacks, a disgustingly large amount of empty Pepsi cans, and some lawn fertilizer.

You do the math 😉

Many of these cards are essentially the same thing: Look at pictures of hot guys/girls you would rather be fucking. I suppose this could work for some people, but the creator of this game seems to really think this is a good idea. Look at all the cards that suggest something in this vein:

My favourite of these ‘pretend you are having sex with someone you actually like instead’ cards is the “Perfect Partner”.

I am expected to run down to Staples and print out a life size poster of some ‘hunk’ and put it in my lover’s bed? Does this actually work? I think I’d have just as much luck hiding a dead horse’s head under the covers. What would I possibly have to gain from printing out some cardboard cutout of a dude she wants more than me, but isn’t hot enough to get so she settled for me? Certainly not sex anyway. Maybe if she thought of me in the same light, I could transfer her lust towards me…

Why don’t I print out some hunky guy and slap my pale, round, acne-covered face on it. Yea! That’s the ticket – Mature, sensible and sexy. I am beginning to think that human beings didn’t write these cards…

I can see this one ending badly. The goal is for ‘her’ to draw some obscene picture on a necktie and expect ‘him’ to parade around in it like an idiot. I can only picture her painting something vulgar on his tie, forgetting to tell him and the next morning he puts it on in a hurry as he rushes to work for a big meeting that can make or break his career. “So honey, how was your day?” She will ask him when he stumbles home, stinking of booze, strippers and tears….

“They didn’t find the image of the retired pope orgy as funny as you did hon…”.

So let’s recap on the planned evening our couple has in store; first they submit their research paper in for peer review, then after practicing barking like an animal in heat they go shopping for jewelry. After a scene at the restaurant, they take a quiet break to look at naked pictures of Bea Arthur. They then proceed to burn each other with candy and while the house is being fumigated for ants, they take a car they can’t afford for a manic hell ride to an open field and point up at the newly named ‘sugar tit’ star. Once they get back home with the bill for the damaged car, they have their insides torn apart by a faulty home-made sex toy while some 5 foot cardboard cutout of a celeb with the husbands ugly face plastered on it stares at them with contempt. Better get to bed early kids, he has to look for a new job in the morning!

The final card of the evening is the “ Suite Dreams” card.

Let’s continue the penthouse letter the wife submitted earlier…

“… My lawyers have instructed me not to go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that my husband went for the Double Dare. He brought me to a secluded field late one night for a romantic picnic and stargazing, or so I thought. About 5 minutes into the picnic he romantically told me that he “had to take a piss” and ran off behind a tree. It was then that 2 men dressed in black approached me. One of them had rope and the other had a crowbar. They tied me up and then started driving me … somewhere. As we were driving, I managed to get myself untied and started kicking one of the men who was sitting beside me, over and over in his manhood until he keeled over in agony. I then took the rope and wrapped it around the neck of the driver, choking him until he passed out from a lack of oxygen, causing us to crash into a rock wall on the side of the road. I was in such a panic I grabbed the crowbar and started wailing blindly on the kidnappers until they stopped moving entirely. In shock and terrified, I made my way to a truck stop where a man offered to give me a ride home, and offered me a drink. He must have put something in it because the next thing I remember was him on top of me in the back of the truck. It was then that I snapped and bit his tongue in two. He reached for his mouth screaming as I spit out the tip of his tongue and kicked him out of the back of the truck. I took his keys and started driving. I didn’t know where, but I knew I had to get away. I was so distracted that I … I am so sorry.. I didn’t see the kids crossing the street… I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen! [ This portion was redacted by order of her layers]. Eventually I turned myself in to the police. They stripped me and sprayed me down with a louse spray, shaved my head and threw me in prison. It was there that I met Bertha, my cell mate who insisted on calling me ‘Andre’. A week later my husband came in to visit. I was so relieved to see him, I feel into his arms and cried. He explained the entire staged kidnapping and then showed me his scorecard. He won by 20 points. It was then I was informed that my trial was scheduled for next Thursday.”

And there you have it, was it wild? It sure was. It was definitely daring as well, but was it sexy? I’ll let you decide.

Verdict:

This game is actually quite tame overall and may be fun for some couples. I cannot say it is a complete pile of rot, but I do recommend that you filter out some of the cards before you start playing unless you want ants.

What do you think? Do you think any couple would benefit from this game? Do you think any of the dares we discussed can be considered ‘sexy’? Leave a comment and let the nerd army know! Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe and let the word of the nerd be heard!